this morning i woke up late. har. really, i dont know why i cant sleep last nite. took me several hours of ‘guling-guling’ before i manage to sleep. felt so sorry for myself. usually halfi would wakes me up (iye la tuh). now he’s not here. ijat woke me up too tho. but its not for the go-to-class thing. well, we cant always get what we want..

this morning i’ve just made a call. to someone, about something. and suddenly i thought about news. news. something that happens that is known only recently. hence it is called news. what if it happens a long time ago, but only be known recently? is it still a news? a stale news? well, i think it depends on the side of the news. true its not a news for the one telling them. but it is still a news to the one receiving them. hmm.. what a weird world we live in.. but that is how things work, as my dean said

as my life as a doctor beginning to shapes, im starting to think about how to deliver bad news to people. well, a bad news as in my opinion. it might be a good news for other people. maybe it’s just me thinking it as a bad news. emotion. the only thing thats different among people, even between twins or among the best of friends. should i act sad? should i act like i dont care? should i try to cheer the one receiving news up? should i try to show them the positive half of the news? maybe i should just act like i don’t care? its not like it can be changed anyway. maybe thats my way of thinking. everything that happens is destined to be happened. from the beginning of the creation. people have been facing bad news from as long as, like, forever. and bad news wont stop. not now. not forever. and the worst news would be.. nauzubillah~ no. its not death. its the afterlife story. where we were to be live forever. the real forever. and ever.

and what if we are to receive a bad news. how should we act? we cant escape from being sad. when there is sadness, there will be happiness. otherwise we’ll be living in a dull life. no emotion. right?.. ok, so we r sad. what next? mourns for the rest of the life? be extremely sad when we got the news that we went histeric? like its the end of the world? cheer up. if this is the way we receive bad news, then we wont survive the upcoming bad news. and like i said before, its not going to stop until we die. so if we want to live long, we have to learn the way to receive bad news so that we can get on with it. its ok to cry. to be sad. it shows that we care. it shows thats not what we want. it makes others feel appreciated. and thats a good thing. the more we are related, the more tears there will be. tho, it still depends on other things. men are less likely to show theirs. cold-hearted persons even less. but still, as a human, we will feel sad. the point is, we have to know when to stop being sad. give ourself some time to digest the bad news. dont let our life be damaged from any bad news. our body are tougher than this. its the emotion that needs to be strengthen. who knows maybe next time we will be the bad news. we surely doesnt want others to be extremely sad because of us, right? so cheer up. take some time alone and thinks about the news. give yourself 3 days max (the most our body can stand without food. lol). then continue your life as it is. if possible, make it a better life to get on with. tho, im not suggesting we forget about the news. no. something precious to us now will be precious forever. no replacements. im just saying that we put the past behind us. forget the news and just remember the happy part of it. so that we will only keep the happy memory of it. life goes on and at least the bad news makes us appreciate things and people around us even more.

har, why does im thinking about bad news all of a sudden? dunno. its just hit me. well, i do hope i did something useful with this entry. at least my blog is updated 😉 till then, da~




well, actually it is a little bit late for me to write this post. i doesnt have much time to write this since that holiday. but today, i woke up late and missed my lab [frankly, i feel bad about it] and have nothing to do that would keep me awake busy. so i thought some finger exercise and a spelling quiz would keep me lost track of time till im ready for class.

8th of May, at around 11pm, all the participants gathered at Simsima, the well-known minimarket. eventhough the 2 buses arrived late, we managed to take off at around midnight. the journey ahead of us will take approximately 5-6 hours; across bare desert. we were going to Aqaba beach and spend a day there before we went back at the very same day. less meals means less budget; as they always say. the bus was filled with half syabab [men] and the other half with akhawat [women]. old school. tho, i like it; reminds me when i went on trips during school. with the do’a recited from dzul, we took off. i sat beside awe with a bottle of cold mineral water in between. keeps out butts chilled :))

along the noisy journey [no comment there], i gaze outside spying on the beautiful stars and crescent moon that filled the silence of the outside world. it was a very wonderful scene. more like a lullaby that drift me to sleep at a time when im not aware of. i do think i dreamt of stars in my sleep and that drives me deeper..

..until we came to a stop at a small mosque. i manage to take a glance at my henset and recognized it was time to pray Fajr. we have to pray twice since one of the ustaz there didnt seems satisfied with the reading of the local imam. then we stumbled upon one common problematic equation; akhawat + bathroom. there’s only one bathroom there and we have to share to make ablution. lucky my bus got there 1st. syabab from the second bus have to qada’ their Fajr as they have to wait for the akhawat to finish using the bathroom. my bus have to start moving to the beach and book a place or else it will be crowded and no more space for us as it was Friday and almost all of the Arabs went there to spend their day. [Friday is a weekend here]

after several stop to pick the best place, we settled upon one location near a public bathroom. and the beach was superb. i mean, SUPERB! i never have imagine any sea water as beautiful as that. the sands are rather harsh and more like the beach is full of stones, tho i doesnt really care. my mind was set to the water. nothing else. [i feel excited now as i remember the beach again]

then we unpack and have a short announcement from the organizer. we were warned for the sea urchins. then we have a short tazkirah from the ustaz before we begin the activities planned. we have ‘ulat gonggok’, ‘tarik tali’ and several more games. frankly said, i didnt really like the activity. waste of time; because the weather was perfect for swimmmmmmming!! no, really. it was a waste of time.

next is the best activity ever. period. a jolly hours of swimming. i got in my goggle and shorts and jumped in the water. IT WAS REALLY GOOD! the perfect combination of water and sun. 1st half i spent swimming was rather to warm up. i want to spent as much time as possible with water; and with the best condition possible. i’ve heard about a jetty and and i intended to keep that later on. the warm-up location’s seabed is rather packed with coral reef and sea urchins in between. so i just keep on top uf the water and try to gain back my swimming skills.

then most of the syabab went to the jetty. [oh yea. forgot to mention here. the syabab and akhawat were separated. each with different location and activities] now, where were i? the Jetty, yup. it was the super-ultra-ultimate-best place ever. the height is perfect. the depth is as good as there is silky-smooth sand beneath, no sea urchins or corals. i spent most of my time enjoying every dive i made. every seconds seems valuable. and from the experience i gained, i found out time fly quicker if you enjoy them. hence, i try not to be super excited and take things slowly. take breaks every now and then. but at some points, it seems impossible. you see, there is coral reef not really far from the jetty. and with my goggles, i can see every single life there is beneath the ocean. i saw black fish, bright blue fish, colourful reefs, decorated smartly in the bright wavelike patterned sand. so i take turn jumping from the jetty and enjoying the corals. seems like there is no time to be spent on the beach anymore :p

after i almost got tired from the ocean, the organizer called for lunch. perfect timing. we ate ‘sambal ikan’ and barbequed chicken with rice and greenies. i doesnt want to fill my tummy till the top as i planned to go back to the water again afterwards, so i excuse myself, have a cup of drinks and took off back to the jetty. the water is more shallow now and the sun is straight above our heads. but the winds blew off the heat and makes is chilly. and the perfect place is nowhere else other than the water. so i jump back in, take a few rounds around the furthest coral reef and head back. i clean myself at the bathroom and get ready for the arrival of the VIPs.

we had a little ceremony to give out prizes to the winner [all of us got the same thing tho, a cute little mug with the name of the programme written on it]. next we packed our things and ready to head to the Aqaba city. i bought myself icecream(s) from McD and packs of nuts from nearby store. me and awe spent times shopping around the city before heading back to the bus. we took off rather late as a couple of the akhawat seems lost track of time and came back late. anyhow, we manage to start our journey back at 7pm. i slept like a baby along the way, and i doubt all the others are doing the same; tho i managed to catch a glimpse of beautiful night sky before i lost in my own delighted toughts of the well-spent day.

we arrived home at around 11pm and thats when another problem with akhawat occurs. they took about 1 hour to get their things down. i doesnt really know why, but they seems to ignore the warnings from the driver. at last, the driver lost his patience and drove off to the syabab’s area; leaving the akhawat [surprisingly, all of them are still inside] who was still getting their things from the above compartment ~padan muke. when we reach the simsima  back, i take my things and get down as fast as i can, leaving others with their own-made problems.

when i reach home, i get one msg asking about tomorrow’s planning and i immediately reply with posivite respond. i spent the rest of the night on my cozy bed.

next day, at about 10am, i get ready. never would i miss this chance to spent the time with the only friends i have left. but more important, with the new bunch of JPA money tranferred into our accounts 😉 i spent a whole day shopping and that also makes my weekends seems the best among all.

tho im tired, my heart doesnt seems so. it was filled with joy and it seems like it could go through a whole week of stressful days.

one thing i gained from those trips is that i can actually see the real presonality of someone. i saw someone that tries his best to impress akhawat. i witnessed someone that really are what people seems he is. i recognized those that i might be close later on and those that seems to build a wall between us. nevertheless, i also i found out someone that is nice, kinda like the one i knew all along. and after this wonderful weekend, i guess i have my own way to deal with them.


p/s : ill put links for the pics we took from there later


before i start talking about the title up there, i would like to express my condolence to myself. not because im dead tho. but because this week has been a lousy week for me. i mean LOUSY. my sleep-table is scrambled. i missed classes every now and then. i spend my time un-wisely. no studies done. nothing *sigh* beneficial. well, maybe the last exam hit me hard on the head. makes me feel like i’ve lost all my hopes. like this is not where i should be. BUT, as most of the people have said, stand up back, take another step forward, dont give up, etc etc. well, one of my principle mentioned, as long as there’s chance, even a little itsy-bitsy-tiny-bit of it, i shall try again. even tho i might not succeed, at least i die trying. right? [evrytime i think about this, my age came up. what if all of what i’ve been trying is a waste? what if i will end up sacked; both by the jamiah and JPA? i am the eldest of my siblings. one with the most of hopes. how do i explain myself to my mother, my father, my friends, my teachers, and the JPA..] hence, i would like to keep myself together until the very end, trying with all that i have left. next week shall see me different. the coming days before that “next week” shall be spent with notes i promised to be done. O God, give me strength..

Ok, now i will start about the subject, *drumroll* KARISMA *tadaa!*. well, this one is not like the one in malaysia, an organization of something. in Jordan, KARISMA is some sort of sports day with the addition of some intellectual activities *cough* as if sports are not intellectual enough *cough*, which will be held from the 1st of May to the 3rd. venue is Irbed [where else] and every participant have to pay 2JD for each activity they involved in. well, im not sure the objective but i bet my fan [the most crucial asset during near-summer] they put “untuk merapatkan ukhuwah sesama ahli seJordan” in one of the top 5. no, make that top 3.

now how do i feel about it? at first, when im qualified to play for the volleyball team, i do feel excited about it. 3 years of no sports day. what could be better? but then i got disqualified from the team. and the notes saying that i’m not good enough end with “maaf kepada yg tak berkenaan” from the ym. cant it be less personal? well, AT LEAST somebody come face-to-face and tell me that from all the training for the past few weeks, i was seen not suitable for the team. i cant jump high enough. i cant block well enough. i cant dig good enough. im not a team player. im cant give a good serve. i always break the rule. WHAT IS IT?!! [there, i let it go] im sick of all the decision made without rationals. without any cause to back them up. am i that naive not to be told the reason? am i just like small kid that was told not to eat candies because i wasnt suppose to? when did they make you guys all powerful; the best among us to make the decision and not to tell us the reason? when is it that you guys seems to play better? [us? yea. make that ME] well, you might think im acting like a sore loser. just accept that the team are better off without me. next year i can TRY to participate again. well, no thank you. you know what? i hope Irbed lose in major of the activities held. why? ~next paragraph

this is the sports day im looking forward to ;)

like all the previous activities, this one probably was held to strengten the bonds between people around Jordan. with that in mind, continue reading. from my observation during the coming days to the venue, i saw participants acting like they plays to win. like how many medals are Irbed going to win. how many records are to be broken. how many activity are to be won without we have to break a sweat [Irbed has the most people from all of those in Jordan – and i expect some activities have only Irbed’s participation] how organized our Irbed’s contingent would be. how the shouts of the supporters are. the same colour of shirts. basicly Irbed is going to beat the crap out of the other contingent [and wouldnt be surprised if tomorrow there will only be Irbed contongent and non-Irbed contingent] why dont they put it in the main objective “untuk menentukan mantiqah mana yang terbaik dalam setiap acara” and make it obvious? well, its not like im saying we play to lose. im saying that we participate in order to be known to each other. why dont they make it an open participation? any losers that are not good enough to play for their mantiqah can join others. it’s not like it is the end of the world if we lose anyway. make more people involved. make more activities that are to be joined not to get the winning title. then more participants should be seen. now, try and ask the other people of Irbed, who didnt bother to join any of the activity, why arent they involved? might these be some of the respons; i might lose. im not good enough. im ashamed to be a loser. im a loser.

henceforth, i’m not  participating KARISMA and will not give my support what-so-ever accordingly. those who joined to win, may you guys lose. then maybe your eyes shall be opened that its not the winnings that this event are held. its more than that. and to those who joined to have fun and getting to know each other, may the Blessings be with you. and to those who gets disqulified, there will be next event, i believe. and when you get to be the one who organize any of the event, make sure the objective is held high upon any other desire. not forgotten here, to those who still doesnt have the courage to participate, may next time shall see me succeed in persuading you to join the activity. and last but not least, to me, may i be a better someone. not just a sore loser



well, actually i have always come to a point in everyday life when i have something good to share here. but then, when i come face to face with my laptop, i lost the interest to write them all down. hence maybe i should keep them all inside this heart and let time take them away. im not one of those who have good memory anyway. well, maybe i could still remember who i once be friend with, whom i made enemy with. but maybe not the details. the ‘how’s and ‘when’s. that kind of things..



ok. today im going to write about how my life goes on pretty much everyday since about a month or 2 ago. and i really think i could feel the busy life i got when i was studying at SMIHJ, my lovely secondary school..

morning. if i wake up early, i would cook something [mostly heat up the left-overs of yesterday’s dinner] as an early breakfast. well, that is IF i wake up early. usually i have enough time to have a bath and prepare for my lecture im going to have that morning. kinda like light reading. VERY light reading 😉 then at about 6.45, if halfi isnt ready yet, ill be walking to the bus station. morning exercise. if he’s ready or if i just feel lazy, ill take a coaster [kinda like mini bus] to the bus station. there, ill take a bus to the university. usually i could spare some time before lecture for a cup of nescafe or a simple orange juice. then during breaks, ill have some breakfast. BORING breakfast. meat sandwich, nothing else..

then at evening, i either have a lab or boxing class. sometimes i dont have both and i would go back home at about 11am, and i usually make a pit stop at nearby wet market to buy something; chicken, onions, greenies, fruits, etc. talk about the boxing class. eventough the class is about 75% stamina training [running around the class, stretching, jumping, etc], i like the way i spent my time there. its healthy 😉 then at about 4pm, i take a bus home. but lately, i dont usually go back home. i would stop at the middle of the way home and make a stop at the tennis court. there i either play basketball or volleyball [really bring back memories :)]. and i end up broking some of my fingers here 😉

then at night, i usually play games if im not to busy studying. every 3rd day, i would have to cook dinner. and we would eat dinner while watching movies 😉 then i’ll go to sleep. oyasumi~

and if it’s a holiday, i would spent all day.. well, i think u know 😉

till then, wassalam

Death is close..

November 2017
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